Thursday, February 7, 2013

Public Service Announcement Numero Dos

I have warned you about swallowing watch batteries.
I have warned you about healthy eating.
Now comes another very important warning.
Jalapenos are hot!
And even more importantly they should not be used as a lip balm or lip stick.
Please people don't just shrug this off and say. "Duh Shelley"
Let me be the voice of warning.
A couple of weeks ago I was preparing my colorful black bean salsa for my family.
Yes, as part of my "healthy lifestyle" changes. (ironical voice)
I usually put in:
Black beans
Green Onions
Sea Salt
Lime Juice
and that is it. I am not a fan of spicy foods.
Here is my policy:
Eating and Pain should not be combined.
It is a fairly simple rule that has served me well in my life as well as protected my taste buds from destruction. My husband Todd has no taste buds left since he thinks the hotter the better.
(Which all in all is good for a wife since he always thinks my cooking is sooooo good)
He has passed down his love of spicy foods to our children.
Particularly the love of the Jalapeno.
One of his favorite treats is Jalapeno Kettle Chips. Every time he would treat himself to a bag the kids would clamor around him. He loved watching their little faces the first time they would try one. But since they were young and didn't know any better....they liked them.
I on the other hand do NOT....not only do I not like the spiciness, I do NOT like the flavor or the smell.
A bag of Jalapeno chips pretty much assured Todd of no close contact with me for awhile.
Well I guess last week I was trying to show off a little.
I wanted Todd and Megan and Dave to be a part of my "healthy lifestyle" changes too.
(Once again not out of love but out of a perverse need for others to be as miserable as I)
So I said, Get some jalapenos and we will put them in the salsa.
I mean I am a tough girl. I could handle it.
And I was not about to eat healthy by myself.
I was careful to cut them and take out the seeds and the spines which I know are the hottest part.
The millions of hours of Food Network had taught me something.
But I eschewed their advice on rubber gloves.
Really people!
It's not brain surgery.
I diced the first pepper into bits and wondered how many jalapenos I should include.
For those of you who aren't familiar with the jalapeno.....some are mild and some are CALIENTE and the only way to know is to taste.
I asked Megan who loves spice to try one and tell me how hot they were.
"No way" she smartly said.
Well once again I am a tough girl and so to show just how tough I was I said,
"Fine then! I will"
Those fateful words were the last I uttered pain free that night.
As soon as the tiny piece hit my tongue I knew what a mistake I had made.
Can you say MUY CALIENTE!!!!!!
I quickly took it out of my mouth and ran to the sink where I went gasping for water.
I wasn't thinking straight since I know you are suppose to drink milk or eat a cracker but pain has a way of altering your knowledge.
I gulped water straight out of my hands like a dying man.
And then I swiped them across my lips......
The pain on my tongue was child's play compared to the burning of my lips and the skin that surrounded them. For as any true Texan cook knows...the oil of the Jalapeno on your hands is far worse than the taste in your mouth.
Now here is where my words fail me.
I cannot describe the pain to you other than to say....
You know when you  touch something in the oven and it burns?
Think about just keeping your finger there while it is searing and not drawing back.
I took the lid off of my Route 44 and stuck my whole face in it. That was the only relief I could find.
I was pretending that it didn't hurt that much.
(You know...tough girl)
But I guess my whole face stuck in a Diet Coke was a dead give away.
Megan and Dave started telling me remedies that they knew.
"Eat bread"
"Drink milk"
I did.
I went from item to item trying to stave off the pain.
Dave, ever the helpful action hero, looked on the internet and said....Rub a dairy product on the burn.
I grabbed the first thing I saw.
Cottage cheese....I smeared it on my lips and around them. I looked like a white version of Bette Davis in "Whatever happened to Baby Jane"
Then I tried Greek Yogurt. Smearing it everywhere the skin was searing hot.
I now approached a look of a reverse made up clown.
"Try Apple Cider Vinegar"
I did.
The memory of the stinging will always haunt me.
Dave reads a site on the internet that says that sometimes people end up in the ER and have blistering and pain for days.
He looks at me with yogurt  cheese and vinegar spread all over my mouth and says, "I think we should go to the ER."
Ummmmm....pain or vanity?
Tough choice.
This is too humiliating to go to the ER I tell him. So he took matters into his own hands and went to Walgreens where he bought what the pharmacist said would work.
I applied it over the layers of home remedies and finally began to feel relief.
Ah blessed numbness.

The upside of all of this?
Angelina Jolie lips for about 6 hours.

1 comment:

Stacia said...

I didn't know about the gloves and seeded dozens by hand for appetizers at a friends party. I hand my hands in ice cream and there was no relief. The pain lasted 24 hours and I was awake All. Night. Long.
Lesson learned, oh mighty jalapenos.