My son and a bug.

I haven't blogged lately.
I am not quite completely sure why but I have a few ideas.
It could be that I was working at the mission home for my mother while she sailed turquoise blue water and lived the life of a queen while I worked 2 forty hour work weeks outside my home (haven't done that in quite awhile)
It might have been because the traffic on the site dropped down to about 5 or 6 people and frankly whoever the 5 or 6 of you are....I love you, but I began to take a step back and evaluate why I was writing a blog and what did I want. Why would numbers matter. What am I doing this for any way? I am still pondering that and that very topic will be my next blog entry. Maybe the 5 or 6 of you and I can put our heads together and it will become clearer to me.

I really think that the reason I haven't blogged is....I miss my son.
Not in a crying out loud, rending my clothes kind of way but in a silent melancholy stupor of thought....a beating of my heart that seems irregular, quick then slow. He is battling parasites this week in Guatemala and I am not there. I can not take him to the doctor. I can not buy him a Sonic Route 44 Slush to wash down the medication. I can not watch him as he lays on the couch and sleeps off this illness. I can not scratch his head or give him a hug. I can not even pick up the phone to get a status report.

I just try to block out the kind of emotions that come with typing that last paragraph....the tears that are rolling down my cheeks right now. That's why I haven't blogged. Everything else seems a little trivial to write about and yet this seems too much to think about. I don't want to come off as overly dramatic. He would hate that. His emails are filled with positive comments and commands to "not worry" and "I am doing great". He is doing a man's work....the Lord's work and I could not have more respect for him if he were the President of the United States, but I miss my boy.

I have a recurring dream maybe once or twice a month. He is suddenly there in my mundane dream about mundane things and I realize he has been standing there...my boy.... quiet, tall, his skin brownish red from the Guatemalan sun, his white shirt a little dingy and wrinkled from being hand washed and his shoes dusty and worn from the miles he hikes every day. He doesn't say anything and I just hug him. Somehow without words he tells me that he is happy and is doing fine and that I shouldn't worry. I just can't believe that he is grown....he is an amazing man.
I wake up with a smile.
and then my heart beat begins its funny rhythm
quick and then slow
another day.

(The picture is a parasite on a crab. I haven't had the heart to read anything about parasites or even look at pictures of one. I am trying to keep a lid on this. So if you have any "good" stories about parasites, let me know. If you have any horrible stories about a friend or your brother or your uncle or your aunts cousins third husband who had parasites and suffered in agony please tell them to those who enjoy a rousing medical drama story. I am not accepting stories like that at this time but I am sure that the 5 or 6 of you already had that figured out. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for listening)

You can learn a lot by staring

I am filling in for my mom for two weeks.

She is a serving a mission in the local mission office for a year.

Problem was that when she was called she had already booked a two week cruise to the greek isles. I know....tough break but someone has to float around in a 5 star ship being served lobster tails and caviar and it was her turn I guess. (If you want an idea of what it looks like where she is then watch the movie mamma mia. That's where she is floating.

I get to stay here.

Before I start to sound so whiny...it does have it's advantages.

I have been a SAHM for 22 years now.

When I first started blogging I had no idea what SAHM was. Everytime I would read it on someone's blog I would make up my own definition.

Santa and his mama

Stay away, have measles

Sarcastic and have meatballs

Sad and/or happy mentally

Well you get the point....sorry I digress. (Just in case I am not the only retard on the planet it means Stay at home mother.....which would have been a handy phrase when my mom asked me to sub for her.....I could have just spewed out...SAHM)

Anyway I have enjoyed parts of the last few days.

My favorite part is when I get to the office. I am the first to arrive and am ususally here for the first hour or so by myself. I open the door, open the blinds, sit down at my computer and

stare.

I stare out the window.

I am pacing my work because there is not enough to keep me busy for the whole day. Other than answering the phone which only rings a few times a day, the chores my mother left for me take only about an hour or two total. I want to save my work until everyone gets here so I won't feel left out or appear to be a slacker.

That's ok with me though. I have found that my life is missing a good staring session. It's theraputic. Being my own boss these past 22 years as a SAHM has made me realize that I tend to fill my mind with noise. When my kids were small it was just the noise that they made...ALL DAY! Sometimes I thought my brain would explode from the constant noise. I began to just despise the word "mom". They would say it over and over and over. Sometimes they would say mom...mom...(me: what?)....mom...mom...(me: yes?) mom....mom...(me:WHAT!!!!) oh I didn't hear you....can I have a pop tart? I longed for peace and quiet. Then when they all started to peel off to their own little worlds at school, I would turn on the TV or the radio...so accustomed to the noise that I subconciously filled their void.

But nothing makes you stop and stare more than sitting at a job with no TV or radio....
no distractions.
It is good to be quiet.
To look around and really see what is around you
oh and it's good to have a dish of candy sitting next to you
just in case.

You really can "have it your way"

Raar is interviewing for teaching jobs right now. The economy is kinda scary for all of those 2009 college graduates but I have no doubt she will succeed. She has always been unbelieveably amazing in finding employment. Her first job at 16 was working at Burger King. She was not too happy about working in fast food but her Dad and I really pushed it because it was close by and we had to drive her back and forth. They also would hire anyone with a pulse.
Her manager was a middle aged woman with a pulse and not a very good command of the english language. Even though Megan recieved a name tag with her spiffy new uniform ( we snickered about the fact that the back of her hat read "Have it your way". Seems a little suggestive for a teenage girl to be wearing) the manager could never quite call her by name. She called her "lady".....as in "Hey lady, scoop me some fries." or "Hey lady, you to clean tables".
Well after two months of Hey Lady, Lady wanted another job. I warned her that being 16 with no real job skills that she shouldn't get her hopes up for something much better. She just ignored me. She made a very professional looking resume, put on a nice outfit, got in her car and waved goodbye.
I shook my head and thought to myself tsk tsk......poor thing....she will learn just how hard it is to be turned down. She will see that it is a hard cruel world out there for a teenager with no real work experience. How soon she will lose that optimistic naive view of the world.
About an hour later her car pulled up in the driveway.
Back so soon? It must have been more brutal than even I had imagined.
I put on my best sympathetic mom face to greet her.
Come here sweetie let me give you a hug.
What??
You got a job?
At an optometrist.
(wiping suprised look off of my face)
Oh Raar sweetie....I knew that you could do it all the time.

P.S. She has had about 7 different jobs over the last 6 years. All of them were secured on the first day she went out looking. Good jobs too. I guess she really does know how to have it "her way"
P.S.S. I am hoping that she snags a teaching job at a high school like this. The slide would be perfect for unruly behavior. I wish I had had one in my teaching days.

Happy Mothers Day Mom! You're swell!

This is my mom and her mom.
I got lucky...
I come from a long line of
amazing
caring
devoted
spunky
intelligent
talented
strong willed
attractive
funny
and spiritually strong
mothers.
It is a legacy I could never
repay..
I can only pass it on..
pay it forward.
For everything you have done
and continue to do for me Mom
I love you.
Thank you.

Food Flowers or Architecture? You pick.

Hey Lolli! I couldn't decide this week. Which one would you choose?

Slighty Plump

Words describing Nancy:
blue eyes sparkled
attractive face
animated
gazed fondly
world's best girl detective

Words to describe Bess:
blond
slightly plump

The last time I used the word plump was in conjunction with the words moist and tender and referred to a turkey.

At least that isn't as bad as what they called the big girl section when my mom was young.
On one particular outing to the department store my mother was sized up by a snooty sales woman who told my grandmother, "Perhaps you should take her to the Chub-ette section of the store." Yup that's what they called it. Chub-ettes.

She was probably by today's standards maybe a size 9 or 11 back then. That was back before the day of the "supersize me" generation. Poor Bess was probably a size 7.
Shameful.

That's my problem!

That's it! I am standing too close to my mirrors! That is why I am appearing larger......because I am closer than I thought. Whew! Another
mystery solved! I am a frickin Nancy Drew.
Or maybe
I am just Bess.
How was she described in the books?
Nancy's slightly pudgy (but with a pretty face) friend who
helps Nancy by standing around with her face flushed (on account of the extra weight and all) saying, "Nancy you are so smart" or "Nancy how did you know that?"
Yup I am Bess.

When I was young I pitied Nancy's sidekicks Bess and George. They
were bit players. Nancy suck ups. Not even fit to shine her shoes. (Here is the part of the story where I would talk about what I think George represented but noooo sir I am not touching that one with a stick this morning. I have read all of the Miss America controversy and I am staying out of it....let's just say she seemed like a nice girl and she was thin.)

But today I wish I was Bess.
But I have gone past pudgy and can break out in a sweat just thinking about leaving the house to run around all the time looking for trouble. I wouldn't have any encouraging words for Nancy. I would just tell her to mind her own business and maybe make time to actually date Ned without running off looking for clues.
Yeah I am a little touchy this morning.
My daughter made cupcakes yesterday.
I had a couple....and then looked in the mirror.
Where apparently I was just standing too close.
I will just stand further back today.
Hey wait a minute.
Even then I will appear closer
Those dang mirrors!
Anybody got a hammer?

Spring! 'nuff said.