I am not quite completely sure why but I have a few ideas.
It could be that I was working at the mission home for my mother while she sailed turquoise blue water and lived the life of a queen while I worked 2 forty hour work weeks outside my home (haven't done that in quite awhile)
It might have been because the traffic on the site dropped down to about 5 or 6 people and frankly whoever the 5 or 6 of you are....I love you, but I began to take a step back and evaluate why I was writing a blog and what did I want. Why would numbers matter. What am I doing this for any way? I am still pondering that and that very topic will be my next blog entry. Maybe the 5 or 6 of you and I can put our heads together and it will become clearer to me.
I really think that the reason I haven't blogged is....I miss my son.
Not in a crying out loud, rending my clothes kind of way but in a silent melancholy stupor of thought....a beating of my heart that seems irregular, quick then slow. He is battling parasites this week in Guatemala and I am not there. I can not take him to the doctor. I can not buy him a Sonic Route 44 Slush to wash down the medication. I can not watch him as he lays on the couch and sleeps off this illness. I can not scratch his head or give him a hug. I can not even pick up the phone to get a status report.
I just try to block out the kind of emotions that come with typing that last paragraph....the tears that are rolling down my cheeks right now. That's why I haven't blogged. Everything else seems a little trivial to write about and yet this seems too much to think about. I don't want to come off as overly dramatic. He would hate that. His emails are filled with positive comments and commands to "not worry" and "I am doing great". He is doing a man's work....the Lord's work and I could not have more respect for him if he were the President of the United States, but I miss my boy.
I have a recurring dream maybe once or twice a month. He is suddenly there in my mundane dream about mundane things and I realize he has been standing there...my boy.... quiet, tall, his skin brownish red from the Guatemalan sun, his white shirt a little dingy and wrinkled from being hand washed and his shoes dusty and worn from the miles he hikes every day. He doesn't say anything and I just hug him. Somehow without words he tells me that he is happy and is doing fine and that I shouldn't worry. I just can't believe that he is grown....he is an amazing man.
I wake up with a smile.
and then my heart beat begins its funny rhythm
quick and then slow
another day.
(The picture is a parasite on a crab. I haven't had the heart to read anything about parasites or even look at pictures of one. I am trying to keep a lid on this. So if you have any "good" stories about parasites, let me know. If you have any horrible stories about a friend or your brother or your uncle or your aunts cousins third husband who had parasites and suffered in agony please tell them to those who enjoy a rousing medical drama story. I am not accepting stories like that at this time but I am sure that the 5 or 6 of you already had that figured out. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for listening)
6 comments:
I am so sorry you are having a hard time right now. I would feel the same way. I will pray that he will be rid of this parasite.
I know that under the best of circumstances you miss them so much your heart hurts! That's a mom for you. When they aren't feeling well it's got to be doubly hard for a mom. With two missionaries I didn't ever experience that (except for a random cold and flu bug from time to time) but I am there with you! Thank you for sharing this story, I'm grateful everyday for missionaries serving out there and the wonderful job they do and the hardships they experience. Faith - that is the key. But it's hard . . .
Kristin
Hi there and Happy Sabbath! Kristin mentioned that you were having a hard time and I should come over and check out your blog. I am sorry about your son and his trials in Guatemala. My third son is currently serving a mission in Texas. No parasites. He has had some pretty bad food poisoning a few times from hispanic food, as he is Spanish-speaking. I have had at least one missionary out since 2004, and I can tell you that while most of the time I am happy as can be about that, there are just times that it all rushes in, and it is really okay to feel sad and a little sorry for yourself for awhile.
What I do know, from watching the missionaries who serve here in California and live in my home, is that they are SO blessed by Heavenly Father, and live so much closer to the spirit than we do most of the time, that adversity and hardship do not hurt them the same that they do us. I swear to you, that they have this layer of insulation. My personal belief is that while we have to consciously draw on the power of the Atonement to comfort us when we are ill or grieving, missionaries live so close to the spirit that they are constantly drawing on that power.
I have seen missionaries as they have learned that a family member has died. One learned that his mother had breast cancer. One's best friend was in a motorcycle accident that left him in a coma. One was quite ill for six weeks straight while he lived in my home... and while I know for a fact that their parents were grieving on their behalf, and profoundly worried about how they would handle the bad news or the illness, the missionary himself would invariably be happy and positive. Layer of insulation. You have to think of it that way.
Your beautiful boy, who is now one of these men who seem to almost glow when you look at them... your boy has a layer of insulation completely independent of your love and support. This is not the worst thing that will ever happen to him in his life, but it is preparation against that day, from a loving Heavenly Father. It will also give him the opportunity to feel the love and support of his companion, his mission president, and the members in Guatemala who no doubt love him and appreciate his service.
So feel sad for a day. But not more than that... the rest of us missionary moms... we've got your back. Feel free to e-mail me if you want to talk. I love you!
--Victoria
So now you have at least 7 people visiting your blog because I am new to it :-)--and I have a lot of stories about parasites. Been there, done that. I lived in Costa Rica as a child, in Ecuador and Colombia as a missionary and Mexico as a newly wed. I have also traveled to Guatemala three times as my parents served as the temple president and matron there.
I know it is hard to have a sick child away from home, but in most cases they have very good medicine that will help him get over it. There are only a very few that have continued problems. My worst case occured in Mexico and I was very sick for about a week,(slept on the floor in the bathroom) but then I got medication and things improved greatly. The other positive is that probably most of the other missionaries have suffered with the same malady and so he will find comfort in his shared misery. Unfortunately it is a common missionary experience in Latin American countries.
Hopefully he will be better soon. I will keep him in our prayers. Best of luck
Hello! I am new to your blog. Kristin told me you needed some bloggy love so here I am.
I don't have a missionary, but I do love my missionaries. The ones I see several times a week. Working. Serving. Loving. Here in our tiny branch they are my connection to home and Utah. I feed them. I care about them. I know that someone is caring about your son. I also know that when my sons are on missions years from now Heavenly Father will make sure they are taken care of.
I will be back. I hope you feel better soon.
Carolyn
Hi there, Kristin sent me your way to give you a little cheer. After I read your feelings though, I might need some cheer too. I am so very sorry about your son and your scenerio. Only a mom can understand those thoughts completely.
That is the hardest part about being apart on a mission, you have no control anymore. It is total faith and reliance on someone and it is hard.
I just hope and pray that your son will recover quickly. That he may get rid of those parasites as soon as possible. My parents went to Austrailia on their first mission. My mother got some of those pesky things. It was hard for all of us to have her go through it alone. The medical down there is nowhere as good as ours. Just another added stress for that challenge for you to I bet. His care. Ugh...
I hope you are get to feeling better too soon. You are a great mother and your prayers are deeply heard. Take care and here is a big hug... ((hug)) My son got home last November. They are such men upon returning. It is joyous. They love their moms even more :)
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